The IAR approach is simple. To get clear, be sincere, and let go of fear.
The approach of Intentional Autonomous Relating might seem quite weird at first based on the standard games and patterns that most people play, but it will seem natural and obvious with practice and experience. The idea is to be radically honest with yourself and with everyone you relate with about what your needs are, your true heart’s desires, what you want from the relationship, what you’re willing to do or not do, how you want to show up, and how you want the other person to show up for you. And to speak clearly, and from the heart, and to be unafraid of the consequences of sharing your true intentions.
IAR provides a helpful framework for getting clear with yourself about all this, and then communicating clearly to others.
The IAR system utilizes 3 Levels of Intention (Open, Closed and Seeking), the 4 concepts of Conditions, Clarifications, Boundaries and Agreements and 10 Channels of Relating.
Using these simple tools, an entire Old Paradigm of co-dependency, drama, misunderstanding and pain can be taken apart and put back together in all the ways that fulfill the most needs for everyone.
Intention
We choose relationship from a place of sincere heartfelt desire.
Autonomy
We enter relationship as whole, complete, and independent beings, standing in our personal power.
Honesty
We celebrate our truth, we share our truth, and we earnestly seek to know another’s truth, so that we can truly be ourselves, together.
Integrity
We deal with each other in good faith, with commitment to honor our boundaries and agreements.
Clarity
We build a shared language so that we can deeply know and understand each other.
Safety
We work together to build a container that feels good, and right, and comfortable for all of us.
Evolution
We embrace change, and approach relationship as a living process, always adapting to our mutual needs.
Celebration
We use our best tools to create a space for ourselves to joyfully play, explore our shared potential, and flourish in the fullest range of human experience.
The IAR is based on the philosophy that personal autonomy and mutual understanding are foundational requirements for the most healthy and happy human relationships.
Personal Autonomy
In IAR, autonomy means freedom of choice and action, but also it means a sense of wholeness or completeness in oneself. In our culture, we’ve been taught to value self-sacrifice and the idea that we aren’t truly “complete” as an individual –without a “partner”, a “person”, a “community” or perhaps a “family”. We’re taught –quite literally –that we are supposed to be searching for a “special someone” (or if you prefer, someones) who will “complete” us. This is a problem.
When we enter relationship from a position of believing in personal incompleteness –not just having personal needs but lacking in terms of our personhood–we automatically show up with a host of dysfunctional patterns which will plague the relationship for as long as we can sustain it. Attachment theory, Co-dependence theory, Transactional Analysis, and many other systems describe various features of this underlying phenomenon which in IAR we can simply refer to as “Non-Autonomy”.
When we show up to relationship comfortable in and with ourselves, prepared to take care of ourselves, and clear with ourselves on our personal needs, wants, and desires, we are standing in a place of Personal Autonomy.
Contrary to what we’ve been taught, generally, as a culture, it is only from a place of mutual autonomy that we can fully show up for each other with love, care, generosity, respect, empathy, support, and joyful celebration. When we can each (or all) stand in our place of personal power and meet each other as equals of being and spirit, then we can experience the full potential of what relationship can be.
This may seem counter-intuitive because of our cultural conditioning, but it is only when we are truly prepared fully to be ourselves that we can be fully together. To put it another way –it is only when in our heart-of-hearts we know that we can leave and be okay, that we are truly ready to choose to stay. And from that place of “I’m okay”, we can make that choice again and again, in every moment, every day.
Mutual Understanding
Mutual understanding is the second foundational principle of IAR and is defined as a sincere heartfelt desire to understand and be understood.
In recent years, much importance has been placed on the role of empathy in productive communication and healthy relationships. Empathy essentially means to earnestly seek to understand the experience of another person.
In IAR, empathy is a very important concept and an excellent foundational tool for healthy relating, but the concept of mutual understanding transcends (and includes) empathy in the sense of present-moment experience.
What we’ve been taught in our culture is to guard our true desires, feelings, and intentions from each other. We’ve learned how to play “games” with each other, and we’ve learned that these games are normal, appropriate, and even necessary (!) strategies for getting our needs met. We play the Guessing Game, “I’ll pretend to want one thing, but you’ll have to guess what I really want!” Or the Bluffing Game, “I’ll pretend like I don’t want what I want, but I bet you’ll give in, and I’ll get what I want!”. Or the Mind Reading Game, “I won’t say I want anything, but you try to figure out what I want!” This is a problem.
Games are supposed to be fun, and if playing these types of games with yourself and other people is fun for you, have a blast. But if you’re played out on these types of relationship games, and you’re ready to get to some other fun times like satisfaction, happiness, and flourishing, you might want to try the Mutual Understanding Game.
When we come to relationship ready to open-up to each other honestly about what we really need, what we’re willing to do, what we’re not willing to do, what we want to give, what we want to receive, how we want to treat others, how we want to be treated, and with sincere desire to know another person and to meet them in the place of their true heartfelt desire, we are seeking Mutual Understanding.
It is only when we truly understand each other and ourselves, that we can meet each other’s deepest needs, realize our wildest dreams, and co-create our most beautiful lives, together.
Transformation
Transformational relationships start from a place of sincere desire to challenge each other to grow and improve as people, while striving to have the most joyful, vibrant, and healthy relationship possible. Thus, transformation relationships are not always the most comfortable relationships, because transformation inherently is a state of change.
However, for some people, transformational relationships can be the most rewarding, fulfilling, and ultimately, happy. This book and workshop contains tools for going even deeper into the shared experience of relationship to discover new paths to unlock your personal transformation, while also gaining tools to build even safer, stronger, and more harmonious containers.
Assumptions
The new paradigm begins with 4 somewhat radical assumptions:
Intention
All relationships occur through choices which are the result of humans pursuing their needs, wants, preferences, and desires.
Autonomy
All humans are whole and complete in themselves and have inherent agency (freedom) in their choices and actions (inclusive of the universal right to consent).
Mutuality
Humans flourish most abundantly when they come together from heartfelt desire and joyful celebration in sharing experience while helping to meet each other’s social needs.
Non-Judgement
All relationship preferences are equally valid, and there is no “right way” to do relating.
Workshop Calendar
Learn about the New Paradigm of relationships, what tools are available to help build a foundation of healthy relating, and the basic form of Intentional Autonomous Relating by joining us in person at our next workshop.